Tori Lou Goes To Town

I think one of the harder things about post-graduate life is realizing that you are your best (and some of the time, only) cheerleader. I have to motivate myself to get a job, go to another audition and accomplish a host of other ugly, difficult things. So why do people bother? Why not just settle for the middle? Why not just be satisfied with my comfort zone?

Take me for instance (did you really expect me to use anyone else as an example?), I keep going to these musical theatre auditions. Now what I have learned from past experiences is that this genre is not my particular area of expertise. I can act. I can sing. I can dance (depending on who you are talking to). Yet, for some reason, when all three get together it is a very combustible environment. This could be thought of as a triple threat evolving into a nuclear threat. Clever, huh? OK. Bear with me.

I often think that my love of and desire to audition is basically my lame actor version of thrill-seeking. I seriously get a rush every time even when I stink. However, it isn’t usually easy to convince myself to submit my headshot and resume for a rush when that audition is for musical theatre. Every time I see an audition notice for a musical, it turns into this mental tug-of-war. Will I be embarrassed? Am I out of my league? If I don’t do this audition, will I ever be comfortable in that genre? I could just go to test the musical-waters? Blah blah blah.

Today I realized that is what I have to overcome. My thinking about my talent and abilities are limiting. How can I cheer myself on, if I can’t take myself seriously? That’s what came to me today at an audition for Kiss Me Kate. I think I did my best. I didn’t speed through. I tried to stay focused and stay present and not be carried away by my anxieties. I still had my audition rush, but for possibly the first time I also felt like I was a viable option and I had fun. As I left the theatre (I wasn’t called back), I thought over my audition. I wasn’t happy with everything I did, but I didn’t dismiss the experience because “I’m not really a musical theatre person.” I was thinking about what I would next time I sang that piece or the next time I have a dance call. That was new.

People always talk about type in theatre, but maybe it’s true that your type can be whatever you damn well want it to be. If you believe it, then maybe someone else will. What a bizarre paradox: I am my own worst enemy and also my most avid supporter. Honestly.

P.S. Sorry for the growing pains in the form of a blog post, but growing pains are better than not growing at all, right? Or growing pains are just a pain in my…

Check out Proof , my sister’s directorial debut with Firebelly Productions. Yep, theatre runs in the family. It was a Potomac Stages pick! UMW loaned Firebelly the ivy for the set and I helped with callbacks and building the set. Neat!

Also, here’s the link to Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse at Adventure Theatre, the show I’m doing in January — my first professional show. It’s perfet for kids (and grown-ups)! I’m really excited. I think its going to be so much fun.

I haven’t been back here in awhile. I haven’t been able or willing to figure out why I had stopped blogging, something which I had really begun to enjoy before graduation. However, today I was reading Gregg’s recent blog postings (I especially liked this bit: “The blog should reflect the journey and not, necessarily, the destination.”)
It occurred to me that the reason I haven’t blogged or even looked at the blogs in the last six months is because I was afraid of sharing my journey. The idea of publicly revealing my failures and even my successes made/makes me feel incredibly vulnerable.
I suppose Gregg’s post helped me see my concerns from a different perspective. Gregg’s idea of learning to “write in the middle” could be adjusted and applied to my own development. I am learning to live in the middle. We are constantly in trasition and it is our failings and achievements that make us human, make us interesting. I expected this final product after graduation. Even though UMW had instilled in me the realites of the acting business, I still believed/hoped for instant success. But who wants a story of instant success? What could I learn from that? Imperfection is what inspires art (and blogging).
So I embrace my imperfections. My journey, my life, with all its foibles, is who I am. I apologize for sounding like a Hallmark made-for-tv movie, but epiphanies are few and far between so they should be shared.
So here’s a few sentences (because anymore and I could write a novella) on the last six months: I am now getting paid to act. After auditioning and auditioning, I got cast in show, but I’m still auditioning and auditioning. I also have been taking classes and did some film and industrial work. I played a nun for the second time. I totaled my car on the way to an audition and came out unscathed. I got a regular part-time job, which I enjoy. I am toying with grad school because you can never think too far ahead. I was just asked to be my baby cousin’s godmother and I have seen some excellent theatre. Also, when acting is this hard, it really tests your passion for it. I think I’m discovering just how much I love this stuff. And, finally, graduating is like being thrown into a cold, dark ocean, but, God, it’s amazing when you figure out that you can swim.

Hmmm. It’s really not so bad when you write it out. I like accepting my imperfections. If anything, because it’s all about me. Well, this blog certainly strayed from the usual theses, but its probably just as valuable to reflect on one’s own life. Now I suppose I should go back to nursing my cold and preparing for tomorrow’s callback.

P.S. Another reason to write: someone is reading this old blog after all. Thanks, Carol! Plus, I don’t really want this to be a webpage.

So, I badly need a workshop or class that can really inspire me/instruct me. I really regret not getting on the ball earlier in the summer and trying to get a class at Studio or Shakespeare. The workshop with Actors’ Center was interesting, but not exactly what I was looking for. I think I need an opportunity to work again. I want to get on my feet and act and get feedback from a group. That is one of the things I took for granted at school. Whenever I had a monologue or scene to work on, I always had a professor or a friend there to watch and direct the piece – to help me. Now, like most things post-college activities, I have to be self-reliant. Things that once seemed so simple, like preparing for an audition, are much more complicated to accomplish. I suppose that is something I have to get used to: acting is harder outside the securiy and comfort of home (i.e. UMW ). I think, however, that this will be my first test as a (dare I say it?) professional. Do I still love acting when it isn’t so easy anymore? I hope the answer will be yes. So far it is.

Speaking of auditions…time to get ready for the one on Monday. Question: how do you teach yourself how to do cold readings in two days?

P.S. A cold reading is when you receive sides, which are selections from a script, at an audition and are asked to perform for the casting director with script in hand after minimal preparation time.

Well, basically I am still playing the waiting game. Waiting for a new audition to be posted on Actor’s Center. Waiting for someone to call me back. Waiting for something to happen. Its a tad agonizing, to say nothing of being excrutiatingly repetitive. However, I have found that shopping with total disregard for my meager bank account is a lovely pastime and wonderful distraction. The kick is I’m spending my paychecks before I get them. At least I can justify every purchase. I’m creative like that.

Actually, tonight I bought something I could actually use instead of clothes. I got a second copy of Playing Shakespeare to replace the one I lost, a new play and a book of Mamet essays on acting. I think reading about what I love to do is the next best thing to actually doing it. Conclusion = shopping can be a beneficial supplement to life as long as you can supply a reason for buying everything.

Don’t let my dramatics fool you. I’m not doing too bad. As you can see I am an experienced donkey rider with Olympic potential and I got a job as a part-time Office Assistant at a trade association in Alexandria. I have an Actors’ Center workshop that I’m attending this weekend. I’ve received two callbacks from League auditions and the actual audition at Leagues went well. I ended up just performing one piece – Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona. It was a monologue I’ve used before, but I think audition pieces must be a bit like wine – better with age. I am hoping for more calls. Meanwhile, I’m going to keep preparing for that next audition.

I am immensely frustrated with myself right now. I am trying to prepare two separate pieces for League auditions this Thursday and I can’t seem to connect to either. I’m going through the motions, but the thought is missing – the imagination. I’m not really sure how to proceed. I have come upon similar road blocks with roles I’v3e played before, but not audition pieces. Something’s missing and I don’t know how to find it. I can’t even clarify what the problem is because it seems so unfamiliar. Ridiculous. I guess I’ll go back to basics and read over some old acting books and try excercises that will help me trigger my thought process and get me doing something.

Well, I’m not sure if anyone is still keeping up with the class blogs, but I realized during the course of the semester that while blogging is a fastrack towards publication, I am not necessarily blogging for others. This is for me. And I if I receive input, great. Any comments can help develop my thoughts, but I should not seek affirmation from them. So here goes.

The “real world” of theatre (the little I have seen of it) is not so bad. I think Gregg’s guidance and my audition experiences from the last four years prepared me pretty well for all this. I update my resume, prepare for auditions, go to auditions and hunt for classes and workshops to attend to improve my skill set for the next audition. People are very kind. I had this fear of being immediately dismissed at auditions by the director because of being a recent graduate, no professional experience, etc. (the list goes on). But those folks in NYC were right. Casting directors and directors want you to do well. They want to hire you. So they give you the opportunity to do your best. Excellent. (more…)

This may read more like an academic paper, but I’ve been wanting to write about this article for some time. I have been very interested recently in the roles theatre creates for minorities and the subsequent limitations those dictates impose. Reflecting on Quarshie’s paper about Othello was difficult. I really wanted to write about it, but do I have a place in a discussion about race onstage? My only solution was to empathize by considering how women are depicted in Shakespeare’s writing.

I recently read Hugh Quarshie’s paper “Second Thoughts About Othello, which was the delivered as a lecture, “Hesitations on Othello,” at the 1998-99 Hudson Strode lectures on “Race and Class in the Renaissance.” Dr. Barbara Palmer was nice enough to loan the paper to me after I spoke with her about my interest in the issues of color-blind casting and casting by type.

Quarshie is the first Anglo-African actor to play major roles in the history plays. He is a Royal Shakespeare Company member and has done work in television and film.
The paper helped me define some of my own ideas about theatre, casting, performance and audience.

I think as a young actor, I am tempted to blindly love Shakespeare because that is what I feel respected actors do. They venerate his verse and relish the moments onstage when they can speak his lush imagery. But maybe it can’t be that simple. I wrote in a recent post that I had learned how to love theatre from Fat Men in Skirts. Being passionate about this work is an important part of having a career in this field, but what I didn’t realize then was that at the same time you have to be analytical. Not critical, but curious and questioning. I suppose after two semesters of Shakespeare classes with Dr. Barbara Palmer in the English department, I would have understood that, but for some reason I kept separating the critique of the literature from the actual process. Quarshie’s paper helped me see the power of questioning. (more…)

Tomorrow is my last day of finals. It feels strange to be almost done. I feel like I’m mature enough to leave school, but I sometimes get so terrified that I haven’t learned enough. Do I have the skill set I need to live and work in the “real world” ? I can’t really be sure of anything, I guess. My only answer is to take it one day at a time. Everything will be a little harder for awhile because it’ll be new, but eventually I’ll get the hang of things. I have basically finished my final project. As for this blog, this is not the last post. I’m going to keep writing.

I am flabergasted by technology. I can’t believe how my blog can be used as this tremendous communicative tool. Nicky Silver, the playwright of Fat Men in Skirts, commented on my post from April 3. His comment was so lovely and reassuring. I actually saw it yesterday right before opening night. At the time, I was terribly nervous for the cast and production team. I was wrestling with the very new concept that as a director I have to let go at this point and trust other people to handle a project that has basically lived inside me for three months.

I am not even sure I can even express in words how much this play has resonated with me. Initially, I was completely overwhelmed by the prospect of direting this play. I was concerned that I would be utterly incapable of fully understanding Nicky Silver’s play and bringing it to the stage seemed to be my Wall of China. Could I empathize with these characters? Could I direct this play, free of judgement? Could I tell this story honestly?

(more…)